Final Rites
by Never Draven
Summary: The immediate threat has passed and Baralai muses on what has been, what will come, and what must be done. Postgame. Continuation, of sorts, of Yet Another Confessional.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: Yes, another part of the epilogue to YAC. I know that I said that there'd just be the one, but it seems that I needed to be a bit clearer on the events...so we have this. This part takes place quite a bit prior to the next--I would place this as happening shortly after the events of the game, maybe a few months later, if that--while the second takes place a few years later. Again, this is Baralai musing into a journal on the events of his life and what may yet lie ahead of him. _

_xxxxxxx_

It's been so long since I've sat with this little journal; I had almost forgotten that it even existed and it likely would have been lost forever had I not thought to clean out the locked drawer of my bedside table. It's amusing what one can find in such an unlikely place...

All these things are from that life, from those few weeks that seemed to stretch for an eternity. In some ways, it was so much of a nightmare and, in others, it was the most pleasant dream I've ever had; if only the ending of it had been different..

Ah, but it's foolish to think on what might have been, isn't it? It's better to deal with the reality, no matter how painful. It's something I like to believe that stretch of weeks taught me...or maybe it was just what came from the events after.

I remember so clearly bidding Nooj goodbye and walking with Gippal down the Highroad toward Luca. Gippal and I had agreed that we'd travel at least that far together and, once in the city, we'd see what happened. He was still so devoted to the idea of saving me...it's almost amusing to remember that, in retrospect. Regardless, we only got as far as the edge of the Agency's property when there was noise from behind us. I had no time to turn before a sharp pain spread through my body and I soon found myself in the mud of the Road. Oddly, that was not the worst of it.

No, the worst of it was laying there and watching Gippal in the few moments before consciousness left me. I laid there, watching him, watching the light fade from his eye. I so wanted to just be able to shift, to be able to move myself so that I could be close enough to touch him, to heal him. I honestly believed that I could draw enough energy, even as I laid bleeding, to heal him enough to save him. It was all I wanted. It was all I needed, but I could do no more than shift slightly before darkness claimed me.

I can't even guess how much time passed before I awakened within the Agency, but Gippal was still deeply unconscious. Of course, I went to him. I sat with him. When I could spare it--and even when I could not--I cured and I tended to him. I think I knew, even then, that this was our last and that I had to make the most of it. I knew...and yet I left.

I...still cannot explain it, even to myself. I wanted to stay with him. Desperately. I wanted to cling to the only remnant of that life, to the man I loved more than anything in this world, but...but I thought there were greater things ahead of me. I thought that I could find the needed answers, that I could solve the riddles of what brought us to this point and of what made Nooj act as he had. Stubbornly, I refused to believe that Nooj was acting of his own will when he shot us and I thought that Yevon was the only place where I could find these answers, so I vowed to return to those who had betrayed us.

...but not before taking a small prize, a small reminder. I wonder if Gippal ever realized what happened to that eyepatch with the broken clasp...

I returned not to Bevelle but to Guadosalam, the home of Yevon's youngest and newest Maester. I had heard much of Seymour Guado, but the rumors which encouraged me the most were those of his numerous disagreements with Maester Kinoc; I wasn't sure that I could trust even the half-Guado, but the fact that he seemed opposed to one of our betrayers was enough to encourage me and I requested an audience before him.

It was not easy. It was likely one of the hardest things I've ever faced and it pained me to do it. I still despise myself for it, but what choice did I have? I had to seem as if I were fully returning as the prodigal son and I could not do that if I had the days of the Crimson Squad hanging over me; I had to ask Maester Seymour to erase all records of my involvement with the Squad and, once that was agreed to, he also agreed to take me under his wing. Of course, he said that he would ask a favor of me in return, but, at that time, it didn't trouble me; I was far too naive to even begin to conceive what manner of favor he would later ask, but I would come to learn.

In that time, I traveled with the Maester while disguised as one of his entourage and it worked far better than I had anticipated; despite my unique appearance, no one questioned that I was anything more than Seymour's acolyte and even those who knew me in Bevelle seemed to have no idea who was truly behind those robes and veils. Seymour taught me as we traveled and I soon became well-versed in all the inside arguments and disagreements within Yevon. He also gave me tastes of some of the darker secrets, but nothing more than that--not until I started to repay my favor, at least.

It was the eve of his ruined marriage ceremony that he first came to me. I knew that the day and the Lady Yuna's escape wore heavily on him, but I had no idea that he would turn those things on me. Naively, I went to him and he taught me things I never expected to learn. Still, I owed him that favor; I could do nothing about it for that occasion nor any of the other times he approached me. It was not pleasant and there were many times when it was outright painful, but it was made worse by the fact that there was another I would have wished to have over me. Ah, how the heart clings even when all hope has gone...

It was during this time that I had my first glimpses of the High Summoner Braska's daughter and, though I was not able to speak to her directly, I must admit that she impressed me even from a distance. She had the same dignity and strength of her father, enough so that she could escape Bevelle and eventually come to topple Seymour.

I cannot remember how I reacted to this news. It is just as likely that I outwardly mourned him as had the others in the Temple, but it seemed there was no time to even think of sending the Maester's spirit; nearly as soon as word came to Bevelle, the Maesters and the Praetor met to determine who would take the fallen half-Guado's place. It really wasn't as much a surprise as it should have been that I was picked--Seymour had carefully placed me so that I would be the only obvious choice--though the surprise on many of the faces when I was revealed was rather satisfying. There really was no time to enjoy it, though; almost as soon as the decision was made, Lady Yuna destroyed Yevon with a single act of rebellion: by destroying our Fayth and our Aeons, as well as exposing the truth of the Final Summoning, she brought the entire structure of Yevon to its knees.

I...really cannot deny that this was satisfying to watch, even if it made me a touch jealous; I had, after all, been working at the religion from the inside for many months, and she was able to topple it with one decisive gesture. Well, regardless, it was a rewarding sight, even if Yevon did manage to pull itself together and to rename itself. With the name of New Yevon, we claimed that we were setting forth to help guide those lost and confused in these changing times.

Of course, it was the same beast with a new mask.

This change did bring about more inside shuffling and it wasn't long before the old Praetor was made scapegoat and left to hang; it was easier to say that he and his son were the ones lusting after power than to admit the entire body was made up of nothing more than men just waiting for their chance to wield the unquestionable might of Yevon. I suppose I should not really speak of seizing power when I was the one who came forward to claim the now abandoned post of Praetor, but, then again, I was the only Maester still in shape to take the position and I was driven enough by the desire to claim the last of Yevon's secrets to fight for the title.

I was made Praetor of New Yevon and, with this title, all of Bevelle was open to me. I was free to examine even the forbidden areas and I soon knew much of what I once only suspected...and some of the things I had once feared. The worst was when I found the great beast sleeping deep below Bevelle...

At the time, I was not entirely sure, but I now know that it was the same beast which growled at us as we lost our minds within the Den. It took a long while until I learned why this beastly machina was sleeping below Bevelle, but the knowledge led me nowhere.

All along, I had intended on finding the answers to what had happened in the final trial--it was the entire reason I had forced myself to return to the religion which had so betrayed me--but, once I had the answers, I had no one with whom to share them. Gippal would not share correspondence with me and any attempt to contact him fell upon deaf ears. Paine was not to be found. Nooj was at the head of the rival faction which was actively calling for my head.

I had accomplished my private mission...but for what? I had forced myself to grovel back to the persons who had so abused my faith and I had to endure so much...yet the whole reason behind this turned away from me as soon as I had the needed answers. I could understand that they would feel a bit betrayed by my return to Yevon, but I, even now, find it hard to believe that they would think I had been sincere in my pledge; did they really think so little of me? Did they really find me to be so fickle and so devious? Could they not see why I had acted so? I had faith that they would understand, yet my attempts only drove in the final wedge.

Looking back, now, it only seems appropriate.

Once I had been so afraid that Yevon would take them from me and, in the end, I was apparently the one to drive them away. I had meant to help them, to heal the wounds of those days...that was all I had wanted. I meant to share the secrets I found so that they could help to spread them: Nooj and Paine to the Spirans and Gippal to the Al Bhed. I had thought that, with these secrets in hand, we four could head the effort to finally end Yevon for all time...

I was so incredibly foolish.

To think that I could rely on them...on anyone...it was so foolish...

I should have known that I'd have to do this on my own. I should have known there was only one way to accomplish my goals; amusingly enough, I came to this answer only through the intervention of a nightmare.

Shuyin...

The reason Nooj shot us...

The reason we lost our minds in the Den of Woe...

The presence which nearly drove me to destroy Spira...

This was the one who gave me the answers to my questions. It was through him that I realized that I could orchastrate the downfall as one orchestrates a fine piece of music; it would require a sacrifice, but what was one life if it meant the permanent removal of Yevon from Spira?

Once, I would have laid my life down to free Spira of Sin, but I failed before I even really started; now, I will spread the whisper of truth to those who will hear it so that, one day, I may be able to free Spira of its greatest threat: Yevon, itself.

It will be my atonement.


	2. Chapter 2

_AN: This is meant as an epilogue to Yet Another Confessional, but it could apply to after-game events, as well. Take it as you will and I leave it to personal interpretations. This takes place possibly a year-or-so after the events of the game and, in relation to YAC, possibly three or four years after the last entry. _

_xxxxxxxx_

Father, forgive me...

No, that's not exactly right.

Friends, forgive me, for I have sinned.

Tonight, I will find the price of my absolvement...if I may find absolvement for all I have done. I can already hear the noise in the streets of Bevelle and I don't have to strain to see the men thronging, charging toward the praetor's mansion. Soon, they will break the door; there are no priests nor warrior monks, here, so they'll go directly to my private chambers.

...my blood will be the last shed in the name of Yevon.

Will it be enough? Will it atone for all my sins against those I love?

..I cannot answer, I can only pray.

I had wished that we could share this moment, this final downfall, but...it was not meant to be.

Perhaps, they will take joy in the knowledge that it is done. Perhaps, they will rejoice that Yevon is fallen and that Spira is free of its influence. Perhaps, they'll even exult in the fact that it will come with the tearing of my flesh, my passing from this life to whatever is next...

So long...

So long have I waited for this final domino to fall and, tonight, my plans come to their final end. All the manipulation and the secrets spread. All the masks I had to wear and all the lies I had to tell. All the years of carefully plotting and preparing...they come to fruition in this one night.

I regret only that I die in the guise of the Judas to my dearest ones, but it also gladdens me as, in this guise, they will not have to mourn me; in fact, they may celebrate my passing as will all of Spira.

Perhaps, I was once a shooting star, but now my light finally fades.

Love, forgive me.


End file.
